A Calm Storm

The blog of Sholeh Samadani Munion


I got the feeling that we were
delicately dancing around a few subjects tonight
somehow the timing is never right
I’m not sure how to express
my thought process
it is like a test I’m going through
well, just between me and you
Can’t just settle on a decision
It isn’t like things can’t stay the same
that is the preferred mode
of transportation
We wouldn’t know where to place the blame
if something went wrong
we couldn’t say that we didn’t know
the outcome
What I’m trying to say is:
I’m avoiding my self-destructive behavior
trying to move myself forward
and not make you my savior
that is what happens, you see…
I turn you into my protector
to make my life easy
but that isn’t what its supposed to be about
I’m not about to put our connection through that
it would be like an emotional burnout
Therefore I am back where I started
trying to reason and rhyme
it’s like I’m trying to find
that understanding that calms me down


9 thoughts on “avoid-dance

  1. Something about this struggle that i’ve gone through – of finding a middle ground between these two attitudes: on the one hand, knowing that i need to be my own person – that i’m only useful and responsible to a relationship with another person if i’m being my own protector, making sure that i’m as whole and intact as i can possibly be. on the other hand, this desire to subsume into love, to dissolve into another person. and about a year and a half ago i was struggling with this balance – finding a middle ground between being mr. independent and dissolving into love – when i got this e-mail which i will briefly quote:

    ‘In Baha’i marriages, there exists this barrier. We are to be “even as one soul,” right? but then there’s this thing about the barrier. So we asked, during the workshop, how that one works out. Tom…, in his [Tom-ish] wisdom, pointed out that there is a difference between BEING one
    soul and being EVEN AS one soul. “Even” is key here. The two people are to be united in what they do, but they maintain their independance [sic] in that each is ultimately responsible for their own relationship to God and thus their
    spiritual progress. They are to help each other, to work together, to urge each other onwards, but that barrier remains – no one can interfere in your personal relationship with the Creator.’

    This may or may not map onto avoid-dance. but it’s a satisfying thought for me. that i can move back and forth between being my own protector and dissolving to some degree on another person, as long as i recognize my own personal responsibility to my relationship with God.

  2. Thanks Steph & Jay!

    Lev: thank you for that, and I like what you said about “…being my own protector and dissolving to some degree on another person…”.
    I think for me the biggest struggle is not the HOW, sometimes, but the WHEN. My timing has a history of being really awful. 😉

  3. Lacey- well then, I’m in trouble. 😉 haha. Somehow though, things have a tendency to work out.

  4. well done sholeh. i frequently find myself in dance position but before the music starts i make a decision that dancing is only going to distract me from whats really important. Me! take me seriously i dare you.

  5. Sometimes “trying to find the understanding that calms me down” can seem impossible. Searching so desperately for the map to find my way to the home I know I could have. Those breadcrumbs always seem to disappear don’t they? Thoughts and proverbs sound so confusing when strung together…”everything happens for a reason” coupled with “seize the day” along with “timing is everything”

    Sometimes I wonder… Is the healing light at the end of the tunnel a freight train? Or is the frieght train at the end of the tunnel a healing light? Avoid-dance indeed.

    Anyway…I really like this piece. Thanks

  6. Thanks for that…that was really well written!

    Once again, I can totally relate.

    And yeah, timing is always a big issue. Things that could be ‘right’ always happen at the ‘wrong’ time seeming to make the things themselves ‘wrong’ — does that even make any sense?!

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