wait.

I am strangled by time zone differences and my inability to communicate. I spent the day doing nothing except watching documentaries and baking gluten-free cookies. I didn’t even clean, respond to emails, make phone calls…not one useful thing.

Oh, well I did paint my nails.

Meals have been haphazard today. I am finding myself in strange places in my head. I slept only as much as the sun allowed me, woke up with my arm so asleep that it was no longer my own.

I drank too much weak coffee last night, I talked too much and now everything is fuzzy because I no longer remember what stories I tell. There is no need to talk this much. I want to start over, start my stories over. I don’t want to be the same person any more. I want to be me again.

Yesterday was a morning in the Hadar, entering stores, the feeling of fabric between my fingers and street vendors. I love the crowded vegetable stands with mangoes twice the size as usual, the butcher that says “Welcome to Israel!” (that beef was amazing in the stew, by the way). Roya, maybe I should have bought that magnet. 🙂

I wish I could find one thing that consumes me…too much ambivalence is making me a very boring person. I wish I could gather stories to re-tell that make people hold their breath. I wish I could walk in the streets with nothing but time and photographs of the future and restless feet…

and you.

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8 Comments

  1. it feels like we forget sometimes how to be passionate about something
    how to be so engrossed as to destroy time altogether
    to have so much caring that it becomes recklessness
    to be drowning in the chaos and through it cut and orderly path
    of stories that hold their breath and their words and take both away
    and give purpose to every single moment of pain
    meaning to every motion of restlessness
    and love to every precious version of you

  2. The magnet is a genius idea – who wouldn’t love receiving it!!! If you want me too, i can accompany you in purchasing it. 🙂

  3. is it ambivilence or do you just find everything interesting… I find that sometimes I am so interested in everything that no one thing yanks me toward it.. I guess it’s semantics really… everything is equally boring/exciting…

  4. Luis: thank you thank you, I love the poem. beautiful…

    Mojan: We’ve GOT to learn to combine our laziness, it would be so much more efficient!! 😛

    Roya: we may have to make another trip this week. 🙂

    Myk: I think I find everything interesting, but I also don’t have enough passion about any ONE thing to really become an expert at it.

  5. you describe my life. sometimes i think spending too much time alone, in my own head brings me spiritually low, resulting in a sense of unproductiveness, ambivalence and ultimately, lonliness. i know you *need* alone time, but do you get too much sometimes?