again we fall

This is not what I wanted
(words against the walls of my heart, burrowed under my skin)
I am trying and failing and trying…
I am strong until I come up against you

and I fail.

I fail to be silent in the right places

I fail to speak the right words.

I cannot reach the space where we are speaking the same language and can spend one day without this battle turning into a war.  There is no space for both of our words, and the pain we hold onto, and the

silence is better than anything.

My tears are all dried, my eyes heavy and the weight on my shoulders has added to itself, without even trying.  I speak in whispers so that the still moments are not broken and that maybe tonight we will sleep, even though we know that there are too many things left in the barricades between our minds and our hearts.

Mostly, I do not understand.